Bad Attitude (Happy Bunny edition)

I know most of you probably have gathered from my completely sarcasm-free writing at this point, that I’m all sunshine and light and Pollyanna most of the time.  So it might come as a shock to you that yesterday on my first really long ride of training that I was a VERY grumpy bunny.  Very.

<——————Me, all morning Saturday

Hey, I wish I could be all big and jolly in my spandex and always deal with pain with humor and positivity, but I ain’t that gal. 

Hey, gotta take the good with the bad. 

So as not to completely disillusion you, let me throw in some good before I go back to the misery that was yesterday. Today was actually a decent day!  After the 3 hours ride, I was extremely sore, achy and pain-y in my left shoulder and knee this morning, but despite that, the 1 hour run and 2200 yd swim this morning were still pretty ok.  It helps that the skies were blue, the water was warm, and I got to run/swim/eat with friends.  That’s the goods.

Yesterday, not so much.

Ah, yesterday, you evil bitch. 

We had a 3 hour bike ride on the schedule.  I have never done more than 40 miles and the 40 miles I did was flat and took about 2.5 hours.  I confess I was a little nervous.  Pushing the boundaries of comfort is always an adventure (or a nightmare depending on mood).  Going into it positive and excited helps, right?  Unfortunately, that was not to be.

On the ride out to the meeting point near Pepperdine on PCH, I was venting my frustrations to Prairie – in particular, that all this working out has not BUDGED my weight and that I am feeling emotional and don’t really know why.  Ah, the plight of the female, random emotional setbacks…it’s SOOOO FUN.  So very fun to be an insane person.

No, guys, we don’t get all weepy/volatile at arbitrary times simply to confuse or annoy you.  (Though sometimes it’s funny to see the looks of utter perplexity.)

Prairie and I went to do our last minute pre-ride ritual (read – post-coffee-bathroom visit) and while rinsing up, she asked me if I needed a hug.  A bold move considering I was foaming at the mouth and growling. 

“Yeah, i do,” I whined. 

The puzzled look on people’s faces when we emerged from the public bathroom and started hugging was well worth it. I think more people should hug after a good trip to the loo. 

Anyway, we got our little group of 5 assembled and took off up PCH.  The plan was 90 minutes each way. 

Within about 8 minutes, I was all alone, watching the asses of my friends becoming smaller and smaller dots in the distance.  That left another 2 hours and 52 minutes of biking ahead of me and only my damn brain demons to keep me company. 

I festered mostly, punctuated by moments of negative self-talk.
Here are some of the things that pissed me off and/or bugged me during the ride:

- Cycling alone
- Cycling with people
- My friends stopping to wait for me
- My friends not stopping to wait for me
- People passing me
- Cars passing me
- Fellow cyclists yelling words of encouragement (don’t patronize me!)
- My neon yellow wind-jacket (wish I had bought the black)
- Biking uphill both directions (how does THAT happen, I ask you)
- Hunger pains
- My numb crotch
- My numb feet
- My diaper bike shorts being too thick
- My diaper bike shorts feeling too thin
- My too-small bike and associated pain related to being too hunched over
- Water/mud kicked up by my tires onto my neon yellow wind jacket
- A dumb text message I got (yeah, I checked my phone during my ride)
- Raspberry Hammer gel I brought to try that tasted horrible
- The “your speed” monitors on the road (meant for cars, I think) that highlighted in huge digital numbers just how slow I was going
- Hills
- Flats
- Pt. Mugu Rock

I did like the dolphin I saw. 

Now, despite all my negativity, I do realize that bad thoughts can act as kryptonite and weaken you.  I tried to right things about 45 minutes in, I really did.  I tried naming things I was grateful for, counting to 1000, humming, focusing on my breath. 

But all roads led back to “I can’t do this.  I wanna quit”.   I was angry and a little afraid.   It’s only week 3 after all.

It was foul.  I admit it.  But I wasn’t mad the WHOLE time.

No, at one point, Anger gave way to Self Pity briefly, when I almost cried on the 2nd to last uphill climb…it was just SO far up and I had nothing left.  I was super hungry, my legs were barely revolving, and the idea of having to PUSH my bike up the hill was too much to consider.  (Though I probably could have walked faster than I was pedaling at that point).

At the 3 hour mark, the time I should have been cruising into the parking lot, I found myself at the bottom of the last (and probably longest/steepest) hill.  Blame it on a headwind on the way back…it just took longer on the return.

But my bike timer clicked to 3:00:00 and I swear to you, I was *this* close to saying “workout complete” and plopping down in protest until someone thought to drive down the hill to get me.  I was just SPENT. 

But I kept going. It took another 12 minutes till I completed the ride, red-faced and humiliated at how long my co-bikers had to have been waiting there for my return. 

If I had had the energy, I would have thrown my bike.  I really tried not to get my funk all over everyone, but I was really down on myself, cursed a lot under my breath and wallowed.  Defcon 1. 

I pissed and moaned some of my frustrations to P-dog, especially how I wanted to poke a stick in the spokes of a few cheery riders trying to encourage me up the big hill.  I think that on those days there should be a signal – like a red flag or something – that you can wave, so that other cyclists know to not try and cheer you on, lest you kick them over as they pedal by you. 

As it’s been proven that exercise improves mood, you would think that THREE HOURS of it should have had me floating on air, happy as a clam.  Quite the opposite.

It ended up being some breakfast at Coogies, laughter with friends, and coffee, that helped get me off the ledge and back into a more comfortable Defcon 3 or so. 

Here is a photo with Prairie and Breed, proving I made it to the Rock.  I even faked a smile.  Good thing I kept my sunglasses on to hide the daggers coming out my eyes. 

Lovin’ the blue leg warmers with neon yellow windbreaker, by the way.  Vogue, check it.

There’s another 3 hour ride planned for next Saturday.  I’m going to totally rock it and be a Happy Bunny, because I’m sure I must have learned a lesson yesterday…….right?