First off…the word Monokini. I keep chanting “monokini! monokini!” like in the Simpsons episode with the Monorail. “What’d I say? Monokini! What’s it called? Monokini!” Watch it. Brilliant.
Well as you may have caught in past posts, I’m headed for Cabo in a couple weeks. Since I’ve lost a whopping 8 pounds so far (and NOT because it’s old and stretched out), I’m quite sure my old bikini will be hanging off me. So I happened to find myself perusing the Victoria’s Secret catalog today for some couch-based bathing suit shopping, looking for something new and fun tolerable.
Athena bathing suit shopping is ALWAYS best done via catalog or internet. I actually found an ATHENA line of swimsuits…not horrible…but a little granny-ish. And while browsing pages of Victoria’s Secret models certainly can dish out the self-esteem low blows, it’s worth it when you don’t have an obnoxious 20-something checking in every 5 minutes to see “is everything fitting all right, hon?” And what’s with those dressing rooms with the hangy curtains that never close all the way? So annoying. I prefer my shamings to be private.
So I’m flipping the pages of the VS catalog, and I stumbled across this little gem. LEOPARD-PRINT MONOKINI…”minimal bottom coverage” the catalog says…perfect!) 
Loud. A little bad. Possibly tacky. Feline.
Something just drew me to it. Maybe the fact that it’s worn by a 110lb, heavily airbrushed 20 year old sellin’ the dream.
And who cares that I have giant boobs that demand underwire and am pale as snow and the bottom hip straps will cut into my hips like a trussed up pork loin? The important thing is feeling powerful, like I could be Athena Jane swinging through the jungle. Don’t I look powerful?
So I ordered it.
Ok, no! I’m kidding! (mom, you can take a breath now).
I look how I look, but I’m not delusional. This was a test…a test failed by one of my best friends. I bet YOU didn’t fail. You knew this was a bigger mistake than my weak attempt at superimposing my head on the supermodel’s body.
So I sent her the link to this suit today on IM, letting her know of my intent. Her response? “Oooh, damn! That’s hot!”
*beat*
“Monica, that was a joke!”
“um. Oh…well it IS hot.” To be fair, she didn’t exactly say “oh damn, that’ll be hot on YOU”…but I know Moni and she is generally supportive no matter what. An awesome trait in a friend unless, well…THIS might be the result. I started to question if she wouldn’t tell me if I had broccoli stuck between my teeth too.
But her initial exuberance did actually have me consider it for a split moment.
And it got me thinking: If we could only be as supportive as our optimistic best friends with OURSELVES, maybe we’d all feel just slightly more empowered in the world. You want your leopard print Monokini? Go for it!
As hilarious as I think it would be to order it just for the sake of getting a pic in it for my blog, I ultimately have decided to pass on this one (for now). But you best believe that I’ll be in my standard-issue burqa, tankini, bikini in Mexico working it LIKE I’m wearing a wrap leopard print monokini. Who knows, I might even shake it like a polaroid picture… 
[...] Aaaand $60, which is going straight to the leopard print monokini fund. [...]